25 ways to annoy, hurt or kill James with Peas
by fearblank
Summary: James is suffering the curse of the peas! What has the evil wench done now!:He had just spat one at the portrait hole when it had sprung open to reveal Lily, the pea hitting her squarely in the head.


James Potter sighed wearily as he sat down on the couch in his common room. His year so far had been way off uneventful. First of all, he had been made Head Boy. Who in their right mind would make him Head Boy? Well, Dumbledore wasn't exactly in his right mind all of the time… was he? Second of all on the agenda was the fact that Lily Evans, the love of James' short and so far extremely interesting life, was finally taking notice of him. They had even gone to the Halloween Ball together a few months before, and Hogsmeade after that, but the ball was where James' third problem started.

'Bloody Peas!' He mumbled angrily and watched as four or five of the afore mentioned green spheres tumbled out of his mouth. He spat out another small bunch before burying his face into the soft material of his favourite couch. It had all begun when Lily had agreed to go with him. The condition was that James' costume had to be that of a giant pea pod. After that, the trouble with peas had just gotten worse. He had gotten gifts with peas, been bombarded with peas and even had a huge levitating pea force its way down his throat. There were so many pea related incidents that had happened to him this year that he wasn't surprised that during Transfiguration that afternoon, he had suddenly started to cough up peas. None of the teachers or Madame Pomphrey could do anything about it and had believed that it would wear off sooner of later.

James gave a loud cough and another dozen peas sprayed out of his mouth and onto the carpet. He glared at the green menaces and kicked at on by his right foot. Oh how he hated peas! When he took over the world, peas would be wiped from all of existence and he would torture any pea lover that he could find that dared to still eat them… But that was just him getting carried away. Peas were now his mortal enemy and would forever remain that way. James coughed again and watched in amazement as one of the small vegetables flew from where he was sitting and landed straight into the fire. It was a bloody awesome ten meter shot. James decided that peas weren't that bad after all and spent the next twenty minutes seeing how many he could get to hit certain targets. He had just spat one at the portrait hole when it had sprung open to reveal Lily, the pea hitting her squarely in the head.

A long and shocked silence settled over the couple before James gave a loud cough once more and peas spilled from his open mouth. Lily gave her boyfriend a look of understanding.

'Ahhh… Your curse of the peas has returned.' James just nodded, not wanting to experience the feeling of the hard balls sliding up his throat without it being necessary. Lily gave him a wry smile as she closed the portrait behind herself and walked tiredly over to James, who was sitting with pursed lips on his couch. Lily dropped her bag besides him and gave him a gentle kiss on the jaw. 'I'm going to bed.' She yawned as she stretched out, revealing her pale stomach. James poked her and she rolled her eyes as she pulled down her school vest. Lily headed over to the door of her room and smiled before disappearing.

James moved his foot again to kick at the pea scattered floor when he heard the sound of crumbling parchment. He looked down and saw that Lily's bag had fallen open when she had dropped it and some loose pieces of parchment had fallen onto the carpet. James bent down and started to place them back into her bag when he reached the last piece. It was written on a piece of Lily's best stationary and was in neat green ink. The paper itself was looking old and dog-eared but the words were still clear. James' curiosity got the better of him and he settled back into the cushiony softness to read the list upon the parchment.

**25 Ways to annoy, hurt or kill James Nathaniel Potter with Peas **

**By Lily Marie Evans**

James was shocked by those words, and a little filled in about his pea situation, but he was still curious… Curious to how much of his Pea Curse she had been the maker of. And so, he read on.

1. Say that he can go to the Halloween ball with you. Make him dress as a giant Pea Pod.

2. Enlarge pea and levitate it down his throat. Hope that nobody knows the Heimlich maneuver.

3. Use said enlarged pea and place under his mattress. Claim to have thought that he was a princess.

4. Replace his snitch with a pea with wings.

5. Fill his school bag with peas.

6. Fill his bed with frozen peas. Make sure to use freezing charm.

7. Steal his glasses while he's asleep. Replace the lenses with dried mashed peas.

8. Anonymously give him a tie with peas on it for his birthday.

9. Give him matching boxers and socks for Christmas.

10. Put peas in his cereal. Claim that they were raisons before.

11. Enchant peas to randomly attack him in Charms. Tell him it was an extra credit assignment.

12. Switch his potions work with pea soup.

13. Give him a book about peas.

14. Charm his robes to say "I love peas!"

15. Steal his invisibility cloak. Throw peas at him from a tree.

16. Charm the bathroom taps to spray peas instead of water.

17. After Quidditch Practice, give him a glass of Pea Juice. Say it's Gillywater.

18. Turn his head into a gargantuan pea. Say it suits his ego.

19. Constantly throw peas at his head while eating dinner.

20. Partner him in Herbology. Ask to do the assignment on peas.

21. Give him a shirt that says "I heart Peas". Force it upon him.

22. Give him virus potion. Feed him Pea soup in hopes that he "gets better".

23. Cover his room with pea merchandise.

24. Hex him so that every time he goes to speak, peas come out of his mouth.

25. Hope he chokes on said peas.

James growled under his breath and peas flew out of his mouth. Lily would die! No… Not really, James loved her too much… But he would get his revenge on his so called girlfriend. James reached into her bag and pulled out a piece of spare parchment and some ink and a quill before he started to write. After a few minutes, James looked up and smirked evilly, standing and heading to his room. He placed his piece of parchment onto his bedside table and turned out his light while taking off his glasses and slipping into bed.

**25 Ways to annoy, hurt and/or bother (Not Kill) Lily Marie Evans with Tomatoes **

**By James Nathaniel Potter**

A/N : I am in the need of a Beta reader at the moment… If they can put up with my inconsistency… If anyone wants to volunteer? I'd really appreciate it… They also get a character!!! Yay! In "Bets…" … of course… or a story of their choosing…

Hugs and Cookies

Blank

P.S. : This was just a random One shot I came up with while I was eating my dinner… Peas... Poor Jamie…


End file.
